Kuala Lumpur Limbo

The Coffe Bean, Starbucks, Big Apple 'the food that angels eat' donuts, laptops as skinny as mobiles and as technical as Big Brothers, persistent adverts gatecrashing my apparently inferior computer screen – I am being programmed: You need to buy this car, you must book this holiday, now go to watch the latest movie release. I am in a supersized digital Kuala Lumpur limbo. Waiting with crossed fingers for my Indian visa to be processed. Five working days – mumpkim.

I left postcard green and luscious Bali six days ago. A whirlwind goodbye. Too few malas for too many special friends. Six months previously I had arrived with minus money and day dreams of teaching yoga amidst the most beautiful and inspiring teachers. Intention. Determination. A belief that if I continued to follow my heart the only outcome could be a positive one. In retrospect all I feel is disbelief. Realisation. Lessons learned which I could not have anticipated. I began to tune into a new frequency. One which is less judging and more accepting. At times totally alien, intangible and incomprehensible, but still audible. Welcoming strangers. Wonderful friends.

Exposed to the liberating and uniting power of song, the exploratory journey of dance, the new depth of old characteristics and the seeds of awakening potential. I am so grateful for the gifts of opportunities and the magical realisation of day dreams. I have left with so many gifts of friendship, wisdom and support for the months ahead. Thankful for this limbo to process and to prepare. But accompanied by a disconcerting apprehension.

Thinking back to the intense culture shock I felt when flying out of Kolkata airport and into Bangkok. Interesting how after only eleven months it is relatively easy it is to sink back into this perversely normalised culture of consumerism. Hi-tech, fast-paced, working, spending, rushing, building – rising upwards, outwards, palm-trees twenty stories up and shops twenty meters below the ground. Grass and dirt replaced with a human made alternatives. Progress? (D) Evolution. Excess through a urban jungle mirroring the capitals of so many countries. Curiosity. Contradictions. Beautiful people hidden amongst the walls. Smiling faces on every cement corner.

What is my role in this globalised sphere? How will it feel taking my first steps along the manic streets of a predominately homeless Kolkata? Will I need to re-adjust yet again? Enjoying the privilege of choice, and safe in the knowledge of alternative destinations. How will it be to see Deepa? Have I created impossible goals? Ignored the dangerous reality of what could too easily be her -I deteste this word – 'fate'? What reflections will be shone for me to choose to face? What will the future hold?

Staying present vis-a-vis the juxtaposition of mental preparation to soften the blow and ultimately be more effective (-ly present). Perhaps. Parallel lives. Suspended in a limbo between self exploration and universal responsibility.

I collect my visa tonight. I fly tomorrow.