Saturday, January 30, 2010

Birthday Wishes


Turning 30 in Kolkata. My dreams of heading off to the mountains for a few days have not materialised, so instead I will celebrate at the orphanage. Friends have volunteered to play some music - a little bit of traditional sitar, some tabla, and a mini guitar. I have invested in a brand new pack of face paints, and a bucket load of Bengali sweets soaked in syrup which should keep the massis and Sisters happy. As for birthday wishes - I have one at the top of the list - that Deepa will talk soon. She is making loads more noises and clearly becoming more confident in her sounds, but her random words are still random, and not a clear reflection of her comprehension. After a wonderful donation from a friend from Bali, I have managed to secure a Bengali speech therapist to come to Sishu Bahavan for an extra day a week for the next four months. Thank you! Although his talents will be spread out between all of the children, at least Deepa and the blind babies will have more of an opportunity to learn the value of words.

Meanwhile, I continue to have inspiring dreams of musicians, music lessons and dance classes but at the moment they remain dreams. If anyone could help me to realise these, opening up the world of Deepa and the other blind children through sounds, it would be wonderful. I need an MP3 player, I need ideas, contacts and traveling maestros! Any more donations to extend the speech therapist beyond a weekly session for four months would also be incredible. Am I expecting too much? Not at all...dreams are dreamt to be realised, and after nearly 30 years of surviving and loving life on this incredible planet, helping an incredible being step into her power can surely be brought into realisation - especially with a little help from friends....Thank you all for your encouragement, thoughts and ideas. Now and always...

If your far away, please have a little dance for me and Deepa - if your near, dancing, singing and magical music sounds are at 3.30pm at Sishu Bahavan tomorrow. In Solidarity. X

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Walls

Feelings. Wanting to make a difference. Idealism. Stupidity. Defeatist? Stopping occasionally to wonder about motivations but propelled by sight; nurtured by a love for life, and for a belief in a common humanity. That surely we can all share this wonderful world – full of beauty and pain, a delicate balance full of experience. A small bamboo tattoo hidden from sight reminds. Freedom from repression; freedom to live; a endless freedoms and a infinite meanings and fears are not enough to defeat, but enough to cast shadows of disillusionment. History teaches some rich lessons; determination and the prevalence of the truth despite the concrete walls as solid as granite moulded by heat, and whittled by weather, still suffocating life from the sun. Moss continues to crawl. Others have overcome far greater challenges; blatant injustices have been buried, and lost freedoms re-won. At other times, corruption and greed seem to prevail. Protected by fake morals and contradictory ideals. Our species seems to have continuously taken foolish choices; propelled by the self interest of the powerful. Rich knowledge of our indigenous peoples has been left to bleed into the soil. Even now when 'we' acknowledge past actions of cruelty – stupidity do 'we' refuse to change our ways. Electric numbers dictating choices, as life is devalued to beyond meaningless. So many have far too much and far more have far too little. Waste, greed, perpetuating beyond rational, hidden by smiles and hypocritical gestures. I wonder about human nature – about 'our nature'. Nature nurture, nurture nature. Some actions need no choice, and yet there they are hidden from view, veiled by excuses. Reason should prevail. Should shouldn't exist. A sinking feeling of defeat deep in my belly, fought with a stubbornness which might be foolishness. What use is it to keep hitting the wall, if it is continuously being reinforced, minor superficial changes preventing revolution. Meanwhile, the suffering of 'us' continues through lost lives and irreversible damage. Defeated? Enlightened? Making the world a better place, or making yourself feel a little less useless? A cog in a matrix of a universe. A speck of dust. Determination surges through my heart, along my chest and down my arms as my fingers burst with ideas. Life for a second of this infinity which is clouded in unanswered probabilities. But actions speak louder than words and the days tears continue to sting my eyes red as frustrations have to find a way to escape. Subdued. Defeated. Tired. Continuously privileged and 'entitled' to the freedoms I can realise, its all too easy to turn away and be surrounded by a shallow beauty of life and colour, as darkness steals through the shadows.

Monday, January 25, 2010

60th Republic Day

Today is Republic day. India adopted its own constitution sixty years ago. In celebration today was declared a public holiday and brass bands took to the streets, marching around the major cities. In certain areas free food was given to create a street party atmosphere. Here in Kolkata, it provided the children and massis a few minutes of entertainment as the beats of the drums and bellows of the trumpets called people to attention as they rushed to the windows to see the annual event walk by. Deepa sat in her chair, momentarily distracted from the task at hand (finding the bowl with the spoon and then making the journey back to her mouth). The tricolour flag of orange, white and green with Gandhi's spinning wheel in the centre, was raised throughout the city. Small poles where erected in the middle of roads, and many were accompanied with little decorations, including one flag flying high over a makeshift battle field, where toy soldiers and tanks fought amidst the small puddle of sand.


India actually obtained independence on 15 August 1947, after the British colonial powers relinquished its authority, unable to continue to justify its occupation, especially in the face of Gandhi's effective and peaceful push for liberation. The real celebration is therefore in the summer, and today's was a smaller reminder of India's historical achievement, as the adoption of its own constitution reaffirmed India's commitment to democracy. Despite the grafting of the political system and the gradual implementation of an inclusive electoral mandate, the democratisation of such a huge populas was and continues to be a hugely ambitious achievement. Sir Anthony Eden, the Prime Minister of Britain (April 1955 to January 1957), called the creation of an Indian Republic 'brave' with secondary democratic knock on effects for its neighbours:

"Of all the experiments in government, which have been attempted since the beginning of time, I believe that the Indian venture into parliamentary government is the most exciting. A vast subcontinent is attempting to apply to its tens and thousands of millions a system of free democracy... It is a brave thing to try to do so. The Indian venture is not a pale imitation of our practice at home, but a magnified and multiplied reproduction on a scale we have never dreamt of. If it succeeds, its influence on Asia is incalculable for good. Whatever the outcome we must honour those who attempt it.”


Now with a population encroaching one billion India proclaims itself as the world's largest democracy. Part of India's success is through devolved power to state governments, although providing a sense of valued representation to its rich and varied cultural, social and religious groups requires continuous readjustments. There are more than a dozen states who continue to lobby for the creation of a separate state, such as 'Gorkaland' in West Bengal and Coorg in Karnataka. However, there is no doubt that India's economy is carrying her into the global age of high technology and international stock markets, which has the potential to gradually erase deeply entrenched socio-economic groups left over from the traditional caste system. In the meanwhile, the poverty gap continues to widen, while tension with Pakistan threatens to breed fear within the population and whispers of religious discontent. This leaves the central government in a difficult position of 'protecting' against possible terrorist attacks, while continuing to calm any religious tension between its Hindu and Muslim nationals. As a refuge to the Dali Lama, with a large indigenous and refugee Muslim population, as well as home to Hinduism and a scattering of Christian communities from the day of the Portugese and colonial missionaries, India is setting the example of how a secular state, can work to erase tension on religious grounds. Perhaps the external threat of attack is a means to achieve this, as heightened terror alerts have becoming increasingly frequent, especially since last years Bombay bombings. Republic Day has brought its own terror alerts, and around the country security was stepped up and extra precautions taken. This even included a rather bizarre threat of a likely terror attack by paragliders so paragliding has been banned for 15 days around Mumbai.

Republic Day provides an opportunity to touch base with the ideals which the modern nation was founded upon, and a renewed commitment to continue to work towards them – paragliding or no paragliding...

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Praying for Serenity


Furious. That was my initial title for today's blog. But determined to control my emotions and learn from each and every experience I wrote my heart out and then re-worked and re-worded, until I arrived at a compromise between how I feel and how I aim to feel...Today I was told not to work with Deepa anymore. I am not sure how direct this threat was but the very motivation for its verbalisation has deeply upset me. But I will start at the beginning...
Another morning in the playground and even this is becoming tedious. We go on the slide, the monkey frame, the singing sea-saw, the small swing for two and the merry-go-round swing for one. We listen to the twenty four birds as they sing for freedom in their cage full of wires, and when necessary avoid any shoves and pushes from incoming orphans from the 'normal' orphanage. Depending on Deepa's mood, she will either fly through the distractions or hang onto my arm, waiting for me to lead her rather than take the initiative. Today she was in the former mood – happy to be outside, and enjoying the swing.

Nearby there was an Italian couple, well dressed with nervous excitement spilling out of their actions. They were busy entertaining their son to be. Actions spoke louder than any of the few words they had in common and they each produced potential toys, eager to please the subject of their attention. He was an older boy – maybe around Deepa's age and without a doubt he was overwhelmed and happily followed his new parents lead, gratefully receiving the toys and expectantly hanging off their every look or action. His new father was blowing up balloons for him, which would disappear with a smile as it was quickly taken on a brief tour of the playground. The boy and ballon would then return as if scared to leave the source of such individual attention for too long. These were his parents. An expression previously unknown to him.


Without words to explain, gestures and actions had to suffice, and smiling seemed to be the common formula. Grins welcomed his return, and kind eyes calmed any insecurity. I couldn't stop thinking how terrifying it must be for both the new son and the new parents. The new son would be leaving all that was familiar to him – faces, clothes, culture, food, language and be entering an entirely new world full of different standards and perspectives. He would have to trust his new parents who he still could not speak to and learn their words fast. He would have to hope they didn't tire of him. It will take time for him to understand their triggers, their likes and dislikes, and hopefully his transformation towards their expectations will be relatively smooth. On the other-hand the new parents will have to learn to love a child they have just met. To accept any personality traits they don't like, to live with the temper tantrums, and adjustment problems that might never dissolve. As the child grows up, they will have to answer uncomfortable questions that perhaps they don't know the answers to. They will all have to stay present, let go of expectations, and enjoy the dynamics of a new family. As always, a sense of incredibly wellbeing floods through my body as I see parents meeting their children for the first time. The union brings hope, and although that I know Deepa's adoption is only a distant dream, perhaps there is a chance that someday, someone will free her.


The new son with his new balloons was encouraged to share his new toys and directed towards us. He held the balloon out in front of Deepa, who unaware of its presence stayed still, waiting to respond to my next move. I guided her hands towards the bright pink ball of plastic. She grabbed it and then cradling it like a huge teddy, gently rubbed her fingers over its surface, feeling its dry stickiness and enjoying the slight and random squeaks that her strokes would produce. The new son experiencing the joy of karmic sharing, gleefully ran back to his proud new parents. Wanting to increase the feelings of good-will the little son began to blow up more balloons – with huffs and puffs - floating spheres were released into the air. Some bubble-gum pink, some midday sky blue and some sunflower yellow; their vivid colours contrasting to the faded shades of the swings and climbing frames, lighting up the bleak and grass-less ground. The ballons bopped and bounced as they were blown across the compacted mud; carried by the slight breeze. One by one their journey was gradually curtailed; first by a net of wire protecting a stunted tree, another by the shelter of the swings and finally by a 'bang' as a leafless bush assassinated a sole survivor. The new son continued to blow and blow, producing his own production line of ballons, as the new father walked around the playground picking up the plastic remains of the once self-propelled and perfectly sealed colours of air. It was strange to see someone taking ownership of selected pieces of rubbish amidst the few discarded sweet wrappers, a broken plastic chair and a rotting ball. Here rubbish collection is someone else's job (usually the rag pickers), and dropped items are rarely retrieved. Notions of environmental responsibility appear to have grown from different standards as despite the mass of plastic bags which clog the drains and pollute the rivers, India continues to possess one of the highest rates of recycling in the world, as need prevents waste and it is the poor who picks up other peoples garbage. Perhaps it would be easier to teach a boy from the orphanage – who had previously had no personal possessions, and whose movements were always monitored - about the importance of picking up rubbish. I guess it would be a different challenge with a street kid.


The tiny school in the playground opened its bolted door and a handful of children ran out. Protectively, I took my place by Deepa's side, ready to fight off any incoming taunts but the sprinkling of colours were more of an effective magnet. The new son didn't have a chance to share his presents as the floating ballons were swept up by possessive little arms. With not enough arms satisifed, attention was then turned to Deepa, who continued to protectively cradle and stroke her bubblegum pink teddy bear of a balloon. Picking her up above the searching hands, her balloon was saved and we retreated back into the orphanage. Smiling a smile full of good luck and admiration, I nodded a goodbye to the new son and his new parents and walked back through the courtyards and up the stairs. Deepa continued to explore her new toy – an invisible centre of sound and texture. Certain that a sighted child would not remain so mystified by a balloon, Deepa again taught me a lesson in sensitivity to our senses. She was totally focused on a rubber ball of air - one which for her contained so much curiosity, full of different sounds and pressures.


Walking into the orphanage, Deep's new toy was immediately attacked by the little Chinese boy. I managed to retrieve her ballon with speedy reactions, which took both me and the little thief by surprise. Handing back the treasured balloon to Deepa, I turned to put her shoes back in the cupboard. Deepa screamed. Looking back I saw that the wide-eyed boy had stolen her prize possession; her gift from her invisible friend and which had allowed her to explore new sounds and sensations. With revenge on his mind, the little Chinese boy charged at the wide-eyed boy and 'POP' went what had been nearly one hour of entertainment for Deepa. Deepa was still waving her arms in front of her searching for her lost treasure. The screaming which commenced was impossible to stop. She wanted her toy back and she did not know where it had gone; she did not know that it no longer existed.


The Sister in charge told me she didn't want me to work with Deepa. She said this while Deepa was crying. She said I was making Deepa cry and that she 'felt so bad to see her like this'. I tried to explain that Deepa was often upset everyday – sometimes for no reason, sometimes because the nappy she shouldn't be wearing was too tight, sometimes because someone had burst her balloon, sometimes because she was hungry, most times because she didn't have a clue what was going on. But then I had a realisation. I realised I was talking to a woman who didn't seem to really care. Who simply didn't want to know about the progress that this incredible amazing girl has made. Who didn't want to know about my ideas to facilitate this progress and those of the other blind children because they didn't include the children who are not blind. Who didn't want to know about her staff's mistreatment of the children. Who didn't want to know that her predecessor had requested that I work specifically with Deepa. Who seems blinded to the reality of the children in her care.


Shaking with anger, disappointment, frustration - at the inability for reason to prevail - I took my emotions into my own hands and with no alternative, calmly walked away, leaving Deepa crying and the Sister watching.


There is a prayer in the Mother House. Logistically placed for careful consideration. So far, I am still considering.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Searching for Dreams

I have never been as ill as I am when in India. It is incredible. In Bali I was teaching yoga every day, practising a million times, farming, flying, full of life, and yet after a couple of months in India I have been plagued with an onslaught of debilitating viruses and infections. Even though I have been nursing headaches which feel as if they are hacking away my brain from its bony housing, while tissues and muscles ache as they battle bacteria trying to invade and conquer, the irony is that it is impossible to complain. I have even surprised myself at my silence, and despite the constant fear that this time I am an actually really ill, and the very last place I want to go for help is the local hospital, at least I still have access to medical care. I also have a bed, which is in a quiet room, with windows that might not close but a down sleeping bag which certainly provides a cosy cocoon. I also have as much food as I need to recover, and I have even finally waged war on to the freezing icicles pouring out of my inside water tap. I have invested in a low tech water heater (although this did short-circuit the entire top floor of 'Modern Lodge' while melting two home made adapters) and eventually it worked and professionally heats a entire plastic bucket of water within half an hour. However, I know that the people who enter the dispensary have no expectations. Many have been walking around with severe infections, eating their bodies from the inside and out, for not days, weeks or months – but according to the registrar – for years. Few complain or even wince when pus filled wounds are scooped clean, and all give a thankful 'namaste' with both palms to their head in gratitude, for what is barely a solution but the closest they can get to real medical attention. Often I think we are providing false hope – dressing wounds and thereby delaying the search for emergency treatment, but then again, it is incredibly difficult for homeless, street-bedded patients to be admitted into a hospital and receive treatment.


The latest set back has come back to haunt me after several years. An old cycling injury became infected causing a abscess bigger than a ducks egg and far more aggressive. Thankfully my body has learned a few lessons in self-healing, and with debilitating pain and much patience the 'egg' finally cracked and the infection released. Unfortunately this has meant staying immobile for most of the week, but again one week is nothing compared to a year or more. One of the main reasons my patience has lasted and my complaints have been mere murmurs is because I knew I would be ok. But what of those one the streets? How much fear must they have? Many who I treat, seem comparatively (and impossibly) fearless. And how incredibly high their tolerance must be as they break super human pain levels? Does it gradually feel normal to have huge infected ulcers in the leg? Or is this one of the reasons why the homeless drug users line the streets in the evening and the day time; it is not uncommon to pass a dead man – overdosed and finally free from suffering. Ironically, it is often extremely hard for the homeless drug addicted or drunk to receive medical treatment. (The Sisters at the dispensary are adamant that they don't receive treatment.)


Delirious dreams led me to Deepa, and after reading a book about Cherokee Indians, I fall asleep imagining her running in a vast open expanse, full of flowers of every shape and size. She runs through them as they brush her legs and tickle her face, she runs past still glisenting lakes, magical mountain trees and under rainbows which melt their colours into the sky, turning it into a rich melody of fantastical colours. Behind her rise huge snow-capped mountains, which shelter her with a protective aura. She feels and hears everything and life rushes through her. Every texture, every breeze, every sound. She is completely part of the nature which in reality she has never known. The sun is shining all around her, lighting up the colours in the sky and she continues to run and run. She isn't running from anything, but she is running with everything; with the fresh air around her, dancing with the vibe of nature, every step full of life leading her towards a huge leap taking her high into the blue sky. She flies up into the clouds, higher and higher and higher, her face transforming into a pure smile, before 'splash' she falls into the ocean. A shoal of a million fish of all shapes and colours surround. She is laughing and singing to them and they start to sing back through air bubbles full of songs and sounds. They guide her safely to the shore. She lands on a sandy golden beach. She cautiously touches the sand, rubbing the grains between her finger tips, catching hand fulls of it and holding the heat between her palms. She lifts up hand fulls into the air allowing it to fall through her fingers and over her head. Then she begins to dig, and she digs and digs and digs until she totally disappears. Suddenly I am there, but I can't find her, and her hole begins to fill up with sand as if it is an up-turned egg timer. I watch as the sand follows her down into the ground and then covers up, as if she had never been there. I shout for help but all I hear is a continuous echo, which instead of fading grows louder and then silence. It is as if she had never existed. There is no trace of her. No record of her life.


Awake and my dreams are of her freedoms and independence. But unable to leave my room, my thoughts begins to be consumed by sensations of apprehension. Reading a stack of 'Philosophers Notes' leaves me worrying about my worrying...why do I worry? After all Deepa has been on her own for the majority of her life? Well I guess because over the past months she has made definite progress and feels comfortable and confident to do this by my side. The friend who have visited her in my absence remarked that she has recoiled back into her corner – next to the plastic buckets and 'ting ting' lever of the window frame. One morning my friend gave her a broken toy keyboard to play with and when another friend went to visit over six hours later, she was still sitting banging and flicking the tuneless plastic keys. It takes time to build Deepa's trust, and these periods of absence my set back our work and her progress. Moreover, I have been worried that if I am not there she will be force fed again – unable to be allowed to feed herself. Again, friends stepped in to cover her lunch and I know that she has been supported to continue to enjoy this freedom.


All of this has not only been a test of patience, but a reminder of the need for a more permanent solution to Deepa's progress. I have emailed speech therapists, special needs teachers, international and local organisations working with blind children and charities proclaiming that they fight to provide equal opportunities to blind children in developing countries. The few replies I have received have been empty apologies. So what is the solution? What am I searching for?
I am searching for a way to provide Deepa and the other blind children at Sishu Bhavan with a means to learn life skills, develop and progress until they have fulfilled their potential. The future of the children who are unable to look after themselves will be transferal to another of the Missionaries of Charities homes; many without the intervention and distractions of the volunteers. At the very least, I am searching for a way for them to be able to express themselves and to continue to explore life, even if it is from the confines of institutionalisation.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Death of a Hero - Hero after Death?


"State Hero" is how Jyoti Basu will be remembered. Bengali, Hindi and English language newspapers across the country have dedicated entire national sections to his record tenure in Indian politics. Basu died on Sunday and Monday was declared a state holiday. Volunteers laid eighteen sandbags over pot-holes to smooth the road for Basu's last journey as his body was carried through the city, with a escort of over one hundred car and motorbikes. For an outsider it would appear that Jyoti Basu was not only Kolkata's most famous politician but also the most popular. But as is so often the case, death seems to cast a shadow over imperfections and emphasise more remarkable traits. In this way the dead are often immortalised as Saints or Heros, as historical memory is swept over with rose tinted recollections.

Jyoti Basu began his career before the end of the British Raj and spent a formidable seven decades in politics, living to the incredible age of 95. Born in what is now Bangladesh he moved to England, and like many a determined politician studied law. Basu returned to Kolkata as a staunch communist. He was involved in Kolkata's more militarised plans for achieving independence and became a prominent figure in India's fight for sovereignty. In 1977 Basu became the Chief Minister of the Communist Party of India (Marxist) (CPM) in West Bengal, which he remained for a record breaking 23 years. In fact he was on his way to take his seat as Prime Minister until his party changed tactics, in what Basu described as a 'historical blunder'. Superficially, his leadership of the CPM provided the democratic fodder against the Nehru's Congress party, but on closer look it appears to be a strange kind of democracy that would allow a leader to stay in power for nearly a quarter of a century. So exactly what was his legacy?

Reading through the endless printed pages attributed to his life and career, broad spectrum commentaries write about his meetings with prominent statesmen such as Gandhi, Fidel Castro, Yasser Arafat, Nelson Mandela and the Chinese Premier Zhou-en Lai. The Chinese connection refers to an interesting relation whereby Basu supported China during the Indo-China war of 1962. As a result of his communist views Basu was arrested and spent a short period in prison. In a overview of his life, S.K Dasgupta (West Bengal's Jyoti Basu: a political profile) touches upon his once extreme unpopularity by recalling that effigies of Basu's were burned in public demonstrations. But with the victory of the left in West Bengal, accumulating with the creation of the CPM, Basu quickly resumed center stage. He became popular for his proclaimed secular ideals, preventing him from being drawn into religious clashes, imminent especially during the partition of Pakistan in 1947 and later through the creation of Bangladesh in 1971. Despite this the CPM's headquarters were (and still are) situated in a predominately Muslim area (Alimuddein Street) giving strength to the rumour that this was a strategic placement, reflecting the CPMs covert pro-Muslim stance.


Basu is glorified as pacifing the demands of a Gorkha state by joining them to fight for specific rights such as for Nepali to be the recognised as their mother tongue, over the imposed alien language of their state's capital – Bengali. However, more recently, the Gorkha's demands (described as a 'thorn in the side of West Bengal') refuse to be dampened, and one of the hill stations main criticisms of the CPM is that it takes far more in revenue in taxes than it provides in public services. This is an echo which can be heard throughout the state, and gives clues to previous criticisms of the fallen hero. An interview with a local entrepreneur, R, reveals a totally different character from the Basu described in the papers. The words "corruption" and "stagnation" dominate our conversation, and it soon becomes clear that despite appearances much skepticism surrounds the leader, especially in regards to his commitment to the needs of the people.

Until 1911, Kolkata was the former capital of India. It used to be one of the four main metropolitan cities in the country. Once famous for its fine buildings, public schools and rich agricultural land, Kolkata's reputation has been transformed from a symbol of the splendor of the Raj to a haven for Mother Teresa from which she could 'save' the multitudes of dying and destitute. West Bengal is now among the poorest states in India and ironically it is the poor who form the largest base of the CPM's support. Abhijet Sen writes in The Times of India that Basu was responsible for a policy which transformed West Bengal from "being a famine-prone area" to a "leading agricultural producer.” Even though these reforms have been criticised as outdated and in need of revision, Sen also argues that this “paid electoral dividends and laid the foundation for the rural support base of Basu's party."

During the Bangladesh-Pakistan War 1971, the massive influx over the border of an estimated 10 million refugees, inflamed Kolkata's huge problems of over population. The refugee issue has continued ever since as severe flooding and cyclones continue to plague Bangladesh. With an infrastructure designed for a population one six of its present size, and additional problems of rural to city migration, Kolkata is now bursting at its bustees. The informal estimation of Kolkata's current population is over 15 million people. One could argue that by opening its doors to all those who are in need, the CPM has set an example for all to follow. However, R, disagrees: He argues that the CPM allowed refugees to flood the state for all the wrong reasons, and as a result public resources have been stretched leaving decent health care and education to be a provision only for those who can afford it. With the same mother tongue and with a common history, it is relatively easy for Bangladeshi refugees to receive Indian citizenship. According to R all it takes is a little baksesh, or at least a promise of a vote; and perhaps this adds further fuel for the continued electoral success of the CPM. Interestingly, R agrees that Basu was a legend, but a "legend for all of the wrong reasons; he was a business man and his business was politics. Basu understood and knew how to work the system and this is how he managed to stay in power for so long. History could have been very different."

I am writing this as I sit in a coffee shop which is still being in the process of being built. In between the flying chips of wood and through the din of the constant hammering, I ask one of seven men watching the implementation of a cappuccino machine what he thinks of Jyoti Basu. “Jyoti Babu” he replied affectionately “is a hero”. Why? I ask. “He just is and now he will always be a hero; history will remember him as a hero.” Indeed, yesterday thousands of people took to the streets to wish their farewells. There was no mass hysteria nor outbursts of emotions and as Mani Chatterjee in The Telegraph reported “some of them had never voted for the CPM in their lives, and many had ceased to vote Red in recent years.” Yet with Basu's death “an ear had come to an end...and they had come to make their tryst with history”. After a full life of nearly one century, witnessing his country's independence, partition and then entry into a global era of technology, booming business and then a dramatic and ever increasing poverty gap, Basu has lived a full life of change and development with the only constant being his position in power.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Confused Determination

It is so confusing trying to figure out the most effective tactics to coax words out of Deepa's mouth. At the moment she is incredibly receptive but very possessive. It is a fine line to tread; and one which I am continuously aware may be creating expectations on both sides. This time one year ago I was heart broken to leave Kolkata. More specifically, I felt that I was abandoning Deepa, and as anyone who spent time will remember, my desertion weighed heavily, invading the then present and fixating a little of my consciousness right here in Kolkata.

One year later – precisely because I left, gathered support and ideas, refreshed and renewed – I find myself back in Sishu Bahavan, and working back within the Missionaries of Charities institution but with my own personal mandate. With incredible gratitude to the flow of Time for bringing me on this return journey, I still find myself immersed in the familiar and uncomfortable emotions of confusion and self imposed responsibility. The more time I spend with Deepa, the stronger the connection between us grows. Especially due to the absence of sight and speech, we have developed an intricate system of alternative communication. We have a routine of exploring the roof top or park each morning. On the roof Deepa will pull me over to the ledge, climb up the three steps which bring her to my height and then confidently swing her body in front of mine as I am forced to sit with her hanging off my lap. Total trust. If I am not where she thinks I am, she will fall to the ground. This is a game she loved last year, and one which never failed to end in uncontrollable laughter as I hang her upside down and pull her back up again.

Another favourite game of hers is to dance; whenever there is any rhythm she will sway from side to side, reverting into her straight legged rhythmic step which will increase in length depending on whether she is dancing solo or hand in hand with a volunteer. She loves to hold hands – perhaps because it is another source of entertainment, as she repetitively flicks the strap of my dive computer, and pokes her finger into the small loop of my worn spare hair-band. Perhaps it is because this is really the only contact she has with others. Or more realistically, perhaps its because hands are her eyes – if she follows carefully she won't walk into walls, or trip down steps. But if she is hand to hand she feels safe and with an incredible degree of courage which I know would be impossible to achieve with a blindfolded sighted person. For example, Deepa will grab my hands tightly and twist under my arms, demanding to be bent fowards, picked up and spun around. Ultimately she will find my feet with hers and step on top of them, forcing me to waltz her across the floor. Again it is her unwavering trust which is humbling although it is easy to forget.

Deepa still finds no interest in 'playing' with the other children. This might be a result of her previous traumas, as kids come and inadvertently 'steal' her toys, which she has little defence against apart from screaming and holding on tight. Indeed she will usually scream very loudly well aware that once out of her grasp, unless the toy is musical, she will have little chance of retrieving it. Maybe this is why she will push away any attempts of the kids to include her in their games. However, her aversion to playmates has taken one step further. I walk around the nursery holding baby Netu's hands as she lurches forward into the unknown, and loves every minute. Deepa will be holding onto the tales of my apron and seems happy to follow. However, if Netu demands too much attention, Deepa will reach around and attempt to disengage our hands. Totally unaware of the sudden attack, Netu will let out a furious screech and stomp the little legs which she is still learning to completely control.

However, the nature of the nursery – and in particular the inactive section of which Deepa is still resident – is not particularly conducive to child to child interaction. The majority of Deepa's neighbours are chair bound and dependent on volunteers to lift them out of the chair and into the cot or onto the mat. They spend most of their days staring around the room, or fighting off the continuous round of food and drink. Meanwhile, volunteers 'play' or rather entertain the children in a very isolated way – rarely interacting with each other. It is therefore logical that Deepa feels much more comfortable in my company then with any of the interlopers from the 'active section'. Meanwhile, the more we work together, the more responsive Deepa is becoming.

For the last three weeks, Deepa has fed herself lunch every afternoon. This may not seem like much of an achievement for a six year old, but for Deepa this is huge. Previously, I have had to take her hand in mine and guided each spoonful into her mouth – and this was the result of hours of persistence to break the habit of being spoon fed every meal at a super fast rate. But today – over the duration of a miraculous hour – Deepa carefully ate an entire bowl of rice and daal by herself. After every mouthful, I always sing a 'well done Deepa!' or an 'Amazing Deepa', or 'Deepa is so amazing, clever, super smart' – you get the picture – not just to try and urge Deepa towards the empty bowl finish line, but to advertise her acheivements to the disbelievers around me. In fact my dedication to Deepa's lunch is always so intense, and my cheer leading chants so persuasive, that the massi's have began to restrain their usual shouts for us to join their fast food race. As time has continued Deepa has been left to finish her lunch at her own speed, and even the usual protests against my extended morning session have dried up. Now I usually manage to continue my one woman fan club long after the other volunteers have left for their own lunch, otherwise a massi would come and take over, and it would be back to Deepa sitting like a goldfish – opening and closing her mouth in order to consume the food being ploughed in.


Each day I am so proud of Deepa, and feel that her confidence to feed herself is an incredible achievement of the past two months of work. It is an indication that she is progressing, and perhaps my tactics are actually having some lasting results other than a morning of laughter and sound exploration. But with it, I realise that I am again in total awe of this little girl, who lives so bravely and courageously despite being blind to the reality around her. I want to help her to my fullest potential, and yet I know I can't stay here forever, and even if I could, I am no expert. Ironically, even though it is Time who carried me here, I know that eventually it is also Time who will pull me away with the lull of future plans and alternative loyalties. I am continuously swinning in the confusing philosophies of the impact of social work and of course by the race of life, itself whispering its mantra of 'too much to do and too little time'. The larger reality is that my efforts to help Deepa own her space, and unlock her voice are met with baby babbling, or more often then not silence. My frustrations that she is wearing a nappy go unheeded as apparently there is no time for potty training. The system she is owned by, tightly guards the space for freedom of creatively which perhaps may allow her to flourish. Instead, I am left feeling an incredible admiration wrapped in a sentiment of respect and love while not knowing what to do to really make a fulfilling and lasting improvement to her quality of life? The variables for improvement seem so extensive and complicated that even if I had unlimited funding and expert knowledge perhaps it would still not be enough.

Can Deepa take control of her life while growing up in a tightly controlled and preoccupied environment? To what extent are the Missionaries of Charity prepared to facilitate a future for her; as without their consented efforts am I just trying to build a castle out of sand? Despite these doubts, what I do know is that I have a wonderful six year old friend, who may lack eyes, but who possesses incredible potential which I – unlike many others - refuse not to see. I am just not sure where to look for the solution.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Voices of Angels


Today I gave the Sister a cd from an Angel. I would have done it before but I was told the orphanage did not have a cd player only a tape player. I guess its another reminder that the truth is never what it first appears. Anyway, when a message really needs to be sent, it will find a way; despite the hidden obstacles, and this morning the voice of an Angel found its way across the ocean from the beautiful island of Bali into chaos of screams and shouts of Sishu Bhavan.

During my time in Bali I was blessed to cross paths with truly beautiful beings. Those who were generous and loving, wise and truthful. While I was exploring the direction to take – between living my life to fulfill my dreams, and fighting for the dreams of others to be freed, I began teaching Blindfold Yoga. Now it sounds pretty crazy when I attempt to explain to other volunteers who are working at the orphanage that I was trying to share Deepa's experience with others – after all how do I know what she experiences? Apart from the frustration which at times she screams out, flinging her body around the nursery, not caring if she hits the walls, or if she finds the metal bars of a bed – biting down hard, but it is extremely arrogant of me to imagine that I know what or how she feels. However, Deepa continues to teach me about our potential sensitivity to our world – to sounds and to touch, to communication without words, even though I still have no idea as to what she feels in response to her increased sensitivity. Through the Blindfold Yoga I wanted to try and share her courage by inviting people to experience life without sight – just for a couple of hours.

Indeed, everyday I continue to be astounded by Deepa's courage to trust to be guided, to climb, to play, to allow me to spin her around and around and to turn her upside down. During the blindfold yoga, music played an important part in guiding the participants through various emotions and experiences. Again this was a tribute to Deepa, as everyday I witness her response to sound and in particular to rhythm. During the workshops, an Angel volunteered to sing...while the participants were still blindfolded, she would lull them out of a yoga nidra, and into kirtan – a call and response singing. The 'response' was indeed incredibly powerful, with many people allowing their voice to awaken amidst the darkness, joining their previous isolation with the invisible beings around them, who they could not see but who could hear and feel the group energy and a group voice sealed through sound. During the workshops the Angel would end with a song for Mother Teresa and for Deepa. I remember the power of her simple words as they were transformed into magic spells inhaled to evoke unexpected emotions. It was if the energy was travelling from the studio across the sea to the craziness of Kolkata and back again, bringing with it Deepa's power and beauty. It was as if Deepa was in the room with us, sharing her vision and gifting us with her formless presence.

Another reason why I had so persistently continued with the Blindfold Yoga was to try to somehow take the support and thoughts of all of the people I had met during my travels with me; to bring the power of solidarity from those who I had told about Deepa and who had learned a little from her courage and from her silent fight. Today I felt the reverse. As the voice of the Angel filled the nursery from the crackling hissing speakers, it was as if light and love had filled the room. Immediately tears moistened my eyes – proving that location is irrelevant and that music holds the key to unlock emotional memory, bringing a ghostly reaction beyond rational control. The Angel was singing a song for Mothers – for Mother Teresa – but it wasn't the words which were affecting me but the indescribable power which accompanied them. It was as if colour were flooding the room, calming the atmosphere, absorbing the breaths of pain and freeing stagnant imaginations.

Again, I have no idea what Deepa was thinking, but she was clearly listening. She stopped her movements and bowed her head forwards – as she always does when she hears a sound which interests her. I watched as she stopped all fidgeting, even with the three bracelets which she had been protectively cradling on her wrist all morning. The shrill dinging of the bell broke through the magic. Its vibrations were calling to the volunteers that the kettle of morning chai was waiting for consumption on the stairwell. It was impossible to leave Deepa. She was totally absorbed by the music. I thought back to the reaction of the Angel when she had first learned about Deepa. During her meditations she had visualised herself in Kolkata, singing. At other times the Angel told me she would practice blindfolded – opening her voice to a new heightened sensitivity. Now I listened as Deepa and the Angel spoke – one silently listening, receiving, as the other sang her – their - power.

For once I was thankful for the replay button, which played the cd about four or five times until ultimately Deepa was swaying and twirling and dancing feet-on top of feet with me. The Angel continued to share her wisdom as she sang to Deepa about the magnificence of the oceans. Even though Deepa has never felt the power of the sea, nor heard the energy of its waves, nor tasted the saltiness of its scent, perhaps it was the closest she has come to the water which separates her from all the wonderful support I know is singing and dancing - away from her sight. Now all that needs to happen to continue the link which has already been bonded, is for the Angel to visit the city of her dreams, and to sing for the children who live the legacy she was – for some reason – initially inspired to sing about.


I have a friend who beleives in Angels. She believes we are all surrounded by our Angels, and all we need to do is to speak to them when we need their help. They are always listening, and they are always with us. Even though we may feel incredibly isolated and alone in this World, our Angels are always dancing in our shadows, singing their words of wisdom which we just need to open our ears to hear. We are never alone.


Thursday, January 14, 2010

Street Walking

Stiff lumpy hands play awkwardly with a shimmer of steel coins. Attempts to order and to control. To pile neatly into a palm that needs to be convinced to comply. Thick fingernails eagerly 'counting' the meagre collection. Mission accomplished and the counter continues on his way, stepping forwards into the moving human stream feeding his calculations. An old man, cleanly shaved and with comb-toothed hair shelters a fresh skinned infant who watches from the ledge of a bony shoulder. Watching the purples and reds, blues and whites, browns and yellows of the passing people programmed on a predestined route of routine. A wizened white haired and stingy bearded barber holds court around a rickety wooden chair. He leans close to his subjects as the chatter bounces from one to another and back to the compare in the centre. The barber talks as he works, theatrically snipping the air to emphasis his views before freeing the blades to continue their professional mission; as invisible strands of hair are disconnected from another talking head. Amid the debate a small hand mirror is held for affirmation, reminding of the history of barber stalls – where expert eyes are yet to be replaced with reflective glass. Past and future customers sit on stools animately discussing, continuing the argument long after the initial participants have departed – hair trimmed, cheeks liberated from ancestoral clues, eyebrows plucked to order with string.


English words are shouted out as a waving arm reaches forward. It is only a brief distraction before the desired state of passivity is returned to but a reminder that the watcher is always watched.

The morning bakers have transformed into butchers as the afternoon market centres around stalls of hanging beef. Hearts and brains are nearly arranged on the table, as creamy offal hangs in a never-ending ribbon. Unidentifiable organs sit in a discarded pile, while waiting dogs watch eagerly from the gutters. Men stand up and squat down, like the keys of a human accordion, while puddles of urine collect at the edges of the road, lazily searching for the iron grids hiding under soggy lines of old news and recycled roti packets. A nimble man steps down from a tabacco stall, carefully placing the folded green leaf into his cheek, which bugles in acceptance. He jumps into the stream of shoppers, walkers and talkers, as his blue tartan lungi stretches to reveal his skinny bones. He bounces up the opposing step, straight into a conversation with the butcher boy. A chubby kid sits on the shop floor, with his legs dangling into the street; flip flops fighting gravity as they cling to his dirty toes. To his side he is playing with a string of gristle, cutting deep ridges into the meat with a small steel blade.

Identifying and dodging undesirable human waste – flesh which the dogs or crows haven't retrieved, the hacks of coughing men, the splash of dirty water as it is thrown into the road.

Another two men beging a conversation with a shout and continue with fluent signing. They are conducting their conversation across the narrow width of the street as each one remains stationed in their opposite stalls. Shop neighbors for many a afternoon. Two girls wearing identical bright pink dresses and heeled shoes play in a smooth patch of mud. The intensity of the pink screams out grabbing attention against the backdrop colour of urban decay. A soggy bicycle tyre has been hung on a permanently hibernating tree as a semi deflated ball is successful thrown up and through; street basket ball. A rubbish collector drags his cart to a pile of old ashes, fruit peels and unidentifiable decomposing waste. A packs of dogs are lazily laying over the heap, warming their bodies from above and below as the sun seeps through the smog and the ashes smoulder below. The rubbish collector thoughtfully attempts to persuade them to move before he adds fuel to the make-shift kennel. Further along a rag picker is poking through a similar pile, pulling out straggly plastic bags on the end of her metal stick.

A old woman sits against the wall of the building as she tries to wedge up her tattered sari to change into a waiting piece of cloth. Her efforts are clumsy and her movements of vanity awkward. Her stomach rolls forwards as her nipples are then covered. A man in with a moustache and woolen jumper slows to a stops He lets two shiny coins drop from his hand. The woman hurriedly leans forwards to catch the coins in her joined palms. The power of 'giving'. An older man moulds a wedge of tabacco into his palm, expertly massaging the dried plant into a cheek sized ball. Water splashes out of a doorway, bouncing off the street and appearing to stick to the wall before dribbling down into dirty puddles.

A line of teenagers walk by. The same tactic as always, as one is pushed in front observing carefully placed steps. The boy is quickly dodged as a smile is masqueraded with neutral passivity.

Two women line up outside of a tailors stall.The tailor is surrounded by an air of precision, measured by the long tape hanging over his shoulders and the watchful stares of his apprentices, who are squeezed into the tiny space behind his work table. Passing the mosque, mutterings of greetings fill the hidden silence, as 'Salaam alikum' mixes with 'Alikum Salaam' creating a mosaic of religious sounds and continuous welcomes. Men wearing clean white prayer caps, trimmed beards and crossed legs, carry with them their distorted limbs, as they perch on the window ledges, receiving passing alms, which come quickly and are received with the sending of more 'Allah's' into the thickening air.


The corner is marked with a brandnew shining sign urging witnesses of 'Power Theft' to report to the sequence of numbers it boldly advertises. Behind the sign rises a church - full of statues and slogans but without the busteling activity of its lively Isamic neighbour. Opposite sit the same collection of old men; all wearing thick rimmed glasses, with their patch of territory marked out with a square of plastic or cardboardand their bag of belongings protectively stacked by their sides. The elders wisely consult their oracles of papers from around their city, county and country. The newspapers they hold up towards the sky reflect English, Urdu and Hindi script; invisble news made literally physical in a range of tongues. These are educated, literate men, holders of history who now sit, collecting their keep from the familiarity of their slab of pavement while they wait for time to become finite.

Reaching the intersecting tram line, and dodging the speeding cars and taxi's, which accelerate at the glimpse of potential human contact. An impatient four wheel drive blows out a infinite 'beeeep' as he encroaches upon a rickshaw puller. The rickshaw puller is desperately trying to maneuver his awkward clumsy and obviously heavy wooden cart through the collection of 'brumming' stationary auto rickshaws. His passenger is a small boy, clad in a navy school blazer and surrounded by woven bags of fruit and vegetables, which bounce around following a short delay of logistical negotiation. Another rickshaw puller lurches forwards, running into his worn flip flops as two large women lean back into their open throne, distractedly observing the scenes below them as they enthusiastically share their thoughts.

The street opens up into a road where cars would be able to pass by in both directions if it were not for the lines of parked yellow taxi's waiting for their human car washer to spin through. A heavy Enfield motorbike reves past. As the driver pulls the machine through the confusion, his tiny small blue Tom and Jerry rucksac swings to the right and then to the left – managing to mirror his movements while smiling at all those who pass by. The bike and the rucksac rush past at the same time every day. One of millions of paths crossing the paradigm of parallel lives as children, men and women, Hindi, Muslim, Christian, Bengalis, Biharis, refugees, poverty tourists, historical tourists, diplomats, homeless and housed, materialistically rich and eternally poor...each moving around their patch of pavement, street, road or city surrounded by the clues of its never ending depth and superficial synchronicity.

The more I walk the more I see, the more I see the more the senses surrounding imagination delves into the dreams of reality. What an indulgence to walk the streets of this world.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Searching for Sounds


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Deepa is continuing to respond well to sound. Admidst the noise and chaos of the nursery it is possible to sneak into the classroom and extracted one of the many musical instruments which seem to be kept locked away so that they aren't broken. One of Deepa's favourites is a big tambourine/drum which can be banged and can be jangled. Today during my search and retrieve mission, the little boy who has a crush on Deepa locked me inside the classroom. Unfortunately for him, the classroom as a clear plastic window so I could see him while he doubled over in anticipation of the joke he had just played on me, alerting the attention of a new massi who – fortunately for me – just unlocked the door and focused her attention on controlling the now disappointed cunning boy. With the tambourine/drum and Deepa's searching fingers in the other we retreated to a corner of the nursery away from the prying eyes of the other kids.
Deepa began to tap the drum beating out a rhythmic sound as I sang random songs. When I began my rendition of 'Indiana Jones' (a long time favourite) Deepa began to tap the beat precisely. I changed to 'Inspector Gadget' (again another old favourite) and Deepa also changed the rhythm to fit. I tried 'Sound of Music', 'Twinkle Twinkle' and finally after running out of familiar songs moved back to the festive jangles of 'Jingle Bells'. Deepa had the rhythm perfected for each one. An inability which I remember my piano teacher becoming incredibly frustrated with me for, and at times, wringing her hands in despairing disbelief.
Later that day as Deepa climbed into her bed I left her singing 'da da da - daaaaaa' to Indina Jones. Small successes, but again proof that music is a way to seal Deepa's connection to the outside world.
I have also been trying to allow Deepa to attend the pseudo in-house school – which seems rather sporadic and involves a great deal of singing along to children's hymns. However, this is precisely why I think Deepa will benefit from it. However, out first attempt wasn't so successful. After succouring entry into a morning session, during which a long term volunteer was playing the guitar and the children clapping along, Deepa immediately tried to search and recover the guitar. Now in order to try and facilitate her return I tried to restrain her – a task I don't enjoy as she has so little freedoms as it is. However, this was achieved by whispering to her to sit down as I sat behind her and clapped my hands in front of her as a minor distraction. Yet my tactic was to rebound as half way through the next song an undercover angry massi (previously disguised as a 'nice' woman), stopped the music and began to complain to the entire classroom that all the 'aunties' (ie volunteers) were too tactile with the children and this made them cry when they left. The rest of the children looked confused, as did the guitarist, while I filled the silence by replying that perhaps if the massis were more affectionate with the children, the gap left by the volunteers departure need not lead to tears. Meanwhile, Deepa was lifted up and put on a chair freeing her from a distraction and of course inevitably leading her to go in search of the guitar....Game Over.
To be Continued...

Wishing Words

Another morning in the park, and one which has brought a smile lasting for the rest of the day. It began with the usual search for two shoes the same size and two same size shoes which fitted Deepa. It is always a mission as I kneel down searching through the small cupboard as Deepa retains our connection by holding onto my head, and more often then not enjoying to unwrap my head scarf revealing my wiry hair which the tricky lice love so much. Then the activity will attract kids from the active section – usually the little Chinese boy who will jump on me before finding a suitable patch of my skin to blow raspberries on, and a little boy who has a crush on Deepa – or rather finds great amusement watching Deepa's response to the random toys which he loyally and courageously brings for her.

After the shoe puzzle has been solved, and the attention of the mini army of active children re-distributed, the next hurdle is any last demands from the Sister. Today it came with two conditions the first of which was : “Make sure she wears a hat” to which I replied by holding up the blue woolly beanie. And then the follow up “comb her hair before you put the hat on.” I managed to exit without performing this second task, as Deepa no longer has any hair left to comb, after it was all shaved off military style. In fact she is still mistaken for a male missionaries cadet. Trying to put the beanie on as she walked to temporary freedom was hilarious, and I laughed a 'thank you' to the Sister for the amusement. Deepa usually hates anything on her head, but today after pulling it off with lightening speed reactions, she tried an alternative tactic and pulled it all the way over her face. Genius. Her nostrils and mouth were free, and this way she was saved from the cheek pinches from the random Sisters and nosey visitors.

Into the park and Deepa flew up the slide just to sit on the top and listen to what appeared to be silence, or perhaps it was the yells from the bigger orphanage nearby, or the stealth like climbing of the local builders as they scaled the bamboo scaffolding, or the craw craw of the crows. Who knows – but she listens while I try to imagine what she might possibly hear. Her ears continue to be much more attuned to life than mine. Eventually she began to push herself down the non-slidey slide and found my arms at the bottom.

Flicking the small blue beads on my bracelet as she led me over to the sea-saw, the precision of each of her step left me (as always) so proud. Once on the sea-saw today she was super happy...the hinges were singing a high pitched and croaky creaky song, which Deepa hadn't heard before. Sitting back to front with the hat pulled over her eyes she listened as I slowly pushed the sea-saw up and down. When I stopped she protested with a loud and clear order of 'Abar' – 'again'. With immediate thoughts of Climber Woman, while smiling out a 'Hurrah Deepa' and sending her back up towards the sun to the sound track of the sea-saw, I was reminded of the knowledge and abilities which Deepa does have, but only chooses to share, when the time – or the silence is right.

Deepa hasn't said many words since I have returned, but she is continuously making sounds – a big improvement from last year. But her memory of 'abar' was obvious as she successfully gained a little control over her amusement but commanding me to continue. Perhaps it is because the order doesn't always work, or perhaps she lacks confidence in saying the words she clearly has the ability to pronounce and the intelligence to understand. But by providing her with a space to explore the words without pressure is definitely a winning technique and exactly the same pattern was repeated moments later on the swing; as soon as we stopped swinging, the magic words filled the silence as Deepa loudly and clearly said 'abar' - again and again. My cheers and Deepa's words caught the attention of a visiting Swiss man, who appeared to use the momentous moment to share his own victories and frustrations...

The visiting Swiss man was with his soon-to-be daughter. His soon-to-be-daughter was holding her new present of a pink balloon and sitting quietly as her father-to-be pushed her swing round and round. “She doesn't yet understand” said her father-to-be . “My son was easier. We adopted him from the disabled section three years ago. They told us he was 'retarded' but now he is fine”. A promising fable. He returned to speak German to the little soon-to-be-daughter who tomorrow he will take from the orphanage to begin a totally new chapter of her young life, with the only continuity being the new brother she has not yet met.

Later Deepa took me over to the same merry-go-round swing and stood in front of a painted pink seat with a million dried birds poops on. With perfect control over her body language, she stretched her arms out as an instruction for me to lift her up. As I did so she held on to the cool chains and waiting while I began the momentum of the invisible spin. I stood back as the merry-go-round swing continued its job. DDeepa sat, shoulders curling into her body, woolly beanie pulled deep over her eyelashes.


I wonder what she imagines the spinning swing is? If she imagines colour. If she realises why the park is so quiet and the nursery so full of noise? If she knows why I come and go? If she knows the importance of the sounds around her? Talk to me Deepa. I want to know you. I want you to take your power. I want to fight this fight with you. I want to speak with you.

I wish we could speak.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Kids Play



Everyday I am trying to take Deepa to the orphanage park. After nearly two months of constant battles with the massis, my tactics have improved and success rates soared. I no longer ask for permission to take her the two minutes down the stairs but instead try and find a Sister and tell her we are going. If possible, I will also try and free a couple of the other kids from the matrix of the walls which encase them, and ask some volunteers for assistance. Without the daily visit to the park the kids stay in the room all day and all night – every day and every night. During the past few weeks there have been many memorable incidences, and perhaps it is the escape from the nursery - the noise, the screams, the shouting – which provides a different perspective and the space to reflect.

Last week, a sixteen year old volunteer from New Zealand came with me guiding another of the blind girls from the orphanage. She was speaking to her as if she was a baby, so I mentioned that her new friend was twelve years old. “Only four years younger than me” she kept repeating in disbelief. Perhaps her shock was that her new friend still had not been taught how to use the toilet, that she still sucks her thumb and she has yet to develop any communication skills. The extremely shy and quiet girl warns me of what may lay ahead of Deepa if she does not find the space to learn and to develop.

When I walked into the orphanage yesterday morning, the girl with the Most Beautiful Smile in the world grinned at me. She brought her fingers to play an imaginary musical instrument in front of her mouth. She was signing for the musical recorder which my aunt had donated and which I have to take home every night. Searching my bag I witnessed her disappointment as we both realised that I had forgotten her favourite toy. The girl with the Most Beautiful Smile in the world is unable to walk, and spends her days either sitting in a high chair, laying on the floor or strapped to the wall with a faded purple bed sheet. For this reason she is never usually taken to the park, but I figured this would be a fitting apology for my inexcusable absent mindedness. Finding two willing volunteers to help to carry her down the stairs, the girl with the Most Beautiful Smile in the World went on her first visit to the park in what I guess has been an indefinite amount of time. The short journey was incredibly long, as the girl with the Most Beautiful Smile in the world wanted to walk to her new adventure. Every second step would send her sandal flying as the angle of her foot combined with the ageing velcro strap refused to stay put. But upon the arrival of the coloured gate, unlike Deepa, the girl with the Most Beautiful Smile in the world could see the fun which lay waiting for her and we were all rewarded with the appearance of the most beautiful smile in the whole entire universe.

Meanwhile, Deepa expertly guided me to the park, despite the friendly enemy hands which would appear from nowhere to pat her head or to pull her cheeks before any verbal warning. At times I wish there was some way of forbidding any thoughtless attempts to lift her head for confirmation of her blindness. I can't imagine the frustration of continuously been prodded and poked – but worse, without have any idea who the prodders or pokers are. Watching as Deepa carefully activated the correct steps to maneuver herself down the stairs, through a corridor and across two courtyards is always humbling. I have walked the route hundreds of times, but I would not be confident doing it with my eyes closed. Once inside the park we follow the same circuit as Deepa first leads me to the huge concreate slide, which depending on her daily mood, she will either scale with the agility of a orangutan, or just hang out on by climbing on the first step and then just surveying the playground for interesting sounds from her new platform. After the slide comes one of Deepa's favourite past-times – the squeaking sea-saw. She will usually walk straight into it and either sit down directly or push her weight on top of the plank bringing it down into the hard packed mud at her feet. The sea-saw is too small for me; I have tried and failed. Instead I usually stand and push it down as she rises towards the sunshine she loves to feel, and then back down to the hard mud below.

Yesterday, without her knowledge, she was joined by the girl with the girl with the Most Beautiful Smile in the world who unlike Deepa gains more enjoyment from sharing a toy or a game then or the actual experience. Today was a little different. Today, about twenty children from the main orphanage were in the park. They were all toddlers and enjoying swinging the swings 360 degrees, and moving the broken plastic chairs and tables underneath the monkey bars to make a chaotic but designer den. The games changed as soon as the whispers spread that a blind kid was in the park and within minutes one brave little girl had already made the approach and darted towards Deepa to push her to the ground. The oncoming onslaught was unbelievable, with Deepa having no idea of the direction of her attackers or the reason for their malice just stood silently as I attempted to push them all back while remaining calm. After individually picking up each of the children and taking them over to a supervising massi, Deepa appeared to be 'safe'.

This was the playground. What would the streets be like? How will she manage living a life independently? Or maybe I should be asking when will she be living her life independently. Confined to a routine of nappies being changed, being dressed, being undressed, picked up, put down, force fed and put to bed. A routine fixed in rigidity, without the flexibility to allow the space to learn life skills; without the ability to be warned of danger, or the ability to respond accordingly. Perhaps the daily mission to the playground is a perfect training ground; despite the hidden dangers and invisible challenges. Deepa is Amazing.


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Normally Autistic

I am typing this from the 'Oxford Bookshop' cafe – one of the few places I can use my laptop apart from my room, courtesy of the bhakshi which I paid for a rather dodgy wire to be fitted to the bathroom light (and despite the 'hotels' regulations which stipulate that 'under no circumstances must guests do any business through our staff'). Next to my decrepit laptop, sits a book on 'autism and spectrum disorders'. It found me. It keeps doing that. Each time I stop to look at the section on yoga, for some reason this book waves at me. Perhaps its because it is not where it should be, or perhaps its because its the one word which is spinning around my mind. So now I have taken it on an adventure, across to the cafe, where I am reluctantly flipping through the chapters. Pausing at the sections including definitions and reading and comparing and constructing silent arguments. Why don't I want to believe that Deepa is autistic? Is it because she isn't? Because I want to believe in her – that despite all the off hand comments that compare her to those who have gone before her – that her limited speech development and reluctance to fully participate in the world around her, is a result of her abnormal conditioning.

I re-read emails from the Blind Children's Fund in the USA, reassuring that there is no 'normal' development for a child born without eyes and living in an orphanage. But each day of working with Deepa is so varied and constantly challenging. She is incredible, and will never cease to be nothing but brave and courageous, as she explores the world around her and manages to exist in an environment full of screams and shouts. But at times, I feel I am losing her to her mind. Most of the day seems totally with me. Exploring toys with me, touching my skin as she explores its texture, listening to my voice, pausing if I cough or turn my attention else where. But then she seems to disappear to a place which it is impossible for me to reach. She will laugh loudly for no reason, or flick her fingers on the floor and refuse to stop – possessed by repetition. She detests to 'play' with other children, if she finds my silver bracelet with the bells on she will fight for it until it is on her own wrist, protected by both of her hands, and she care of nothing else other than guarding her prize. Maybe this is 'normal' for a child growing up in a room full of chaos? Maybe not.

Again, I don't want to think she is autistic but why? There is nothing 'wrong' with being autistic, but it does severely limit her opportunities for a 'normal' life if she is. It is hard enough fighting for the rights of a healthy abled child let along one without eyes and working with autism. Everyday I see other autistic blind kids in the orphanage, who have no chance of finding independence, or of making sense of the darkness around them. I read sections of the book and then close it. Denial? Testing myself, I open again and read:

“The term autistic disorder applies to individuals who have social interaction impairments, communication impairments, and repetitive, stereotypic, and restricted interests and activities...Most children diagnosed as having autistic disorder are moderately to severely impaired, having IQ's that fall in the range of moderate to severe mental retardation.”

I close the book again. I feel so sad. I feel like a traitor. I believe in you Beautiful Amazing Deepa.


Infected Humanity


Perhaps it is my recent trauma after fighting for the tiny baby to be admitted into a hospital, and then the continuing fight to find out the real diagnosis (first it was pneumonia, then bronchitis, then an enlarged heart requiring open heart surgery), but my spirit is heavy with disappointment in our humanity; our united lack of care for individual suffering.

For the last two months I have been working in a small dispensary in Sealdagh station, which is ran by the Missionaries of Charity. The dispensary is incredibly basic. It contains an assortment of medications, but no one qualified to know what to do with them, so the most common treatment is the cleaning and bandaging of infected wounds. The most common 'medication' which is administered is a placebo multi-vitimin which patients eagerly line up to collect. Most of the patients live in or around the train station. Without the dispensary it is unclear what course of action they would take, although I often wonder if we are providing nothing more than false hope with our mask of treatment. The dispensary is only open for three afternoons in the week. This in itself is a disability, as on the streets clean white banadages quickly turn brown and the encased infections put up a vicious attack for total dominance. Regardless of this, there are patients who religiously attend the clinic and others who attend only sporadically, prompted by the increase in severity of their afflications. Most nurse wounds which have become so severely infected that no amount of drug abuse would be able to mask the pain and leaves me unable to pass any judgement on those who walk into the little room glassy eyed and thankfully mentally far away.

Yesterday I saw the hardest 'case' yet. One of the men who had been keeping regular attendance, was already leaning on the entrance long before we arrived. Once inside the Pain-Filled-Man slouched in the corner, with his head in his hands. The pain which he was consoling was seeping out with each juttering movement of his body. Many times I have had tears in my eyes when watching patients not even flinch as I scrap infected flesh off their body, drugs or no drugs, their pain threshold is super-human. But yesterday, the Pain-Filled-Man used his shaking hands to pick up his leg and place it on the low wooden bench for re-bandaging. For several months he has been coming to the dispensary to have an infected ulcer like wound cleaned and dressed. Two days ago he had attended the clinic and although the large wound had not improved, it did not appear to have grown worse. I have no idea what happened in the intermediary time - perhaps nothing more than the loss of the dressing, or a collision with dirty water - but the result had transformed the infection into a deep hole, black in colour, filled with rotting flesh which was falling away to reveal the remaining tendons close to the bone. My first response was to turn away. Turn away from suffering. But it was a reality check – this was far beyond my capacity, in fact it was far beyond the dispensary's capacity to treat. How was it possible to surive such a pain? I could not even begin to imagine having the same cannibalistic hole burning into my own ankle.

It was clear that the Pain-Filled-Man needed to be in a hospital – immediately. From inexperienced eyes it seemed like it would need a miracle for him just to keep his foot, but the pain he was carrying inside his body was too extreme to be delayed. With a line of patients waiting to have their bandages changed, the majority of which housed identical wounds with varying degrees of severity and size, we asked a loittering Sister if she could take him to the hospital. I am not sure exactly what her reply was but it was definately negative. For the Pain-Filled-Man to go to the hospital by himself was totally unrealistic – firstly he had not already gone. What his reluctance was to attend the hospital when his condition was so extreme can only be guessed, but without a home and without money it would probably be accurate to suggest that he presummed it would be futile. As was the case with the little street baby, for a patient to be admitted they first need to be registered and to be registered they need a home address – a platform number will not suffice. Secondly, even though there are no doctors fees for a patient to be treated with drugs, the drugs first need to be purchased. Thirdly, the hospitals are already bursting at the stairwells with patients who have both a home and the necessary money. It is not difficult to guess that such patients would be a priority. Fourthly, working conditions are horrendous; the facilities are filthy and working hours multiplied beyond humane. Perhaps even the most committed and compassionate doctor would struggle to provide adequate treatment to all who stumbled through the doors. Ultimately, the the Pain-Filled-Man was left with a festering wound eating into his flesh and in desparate need of proper medical treatment, a fact which no amount of bandaging would be able to cover up.

Two foriegn women working with street kids walked in. They brought with them a boy with a severe burn on his calf and another with a left forearm full of self-mutilated knife cuts. They left the little warriors with us and agreed to take the Pain-Filled-Man to the hospital. I found out later they had alternatively taken the man spilling over with pain to the Mother Teresa home for the Dying and Destitute; which is most definately not a hospital.