Chaos

I move all the time. Every few months at least. But it is always traumatic. It never becomes easier. Even when I know I will be back here soon, packing up my life back into my rucksac and sorting through what is left of the tangible memories throws me into a state of chaos. I haven't seen Deepa today, because even down loading the photos from yesterday has again brought that horrible sensation of doubt to the forefront of my mind. Maybe I should stay? The doubt pecks away. Why am I really going? What do I need a break from? Do I need Deepa as much as I think she needs me? – Ow! That is tough one. Perhaps it is this city which infects my affection for it with endless exasperation, which is making me leave. The noise, the craziness, the continual intensity. The stares and exposure which goes hand in sweaty hand with over crowded bodies, absent spaces and chaotic places. But I feel tugged and tied; as if I have an incredible opportunity to work consistently and continuously with Deepa and yet I am taking break? Of course I have my reasons, my justifications, but what about my lack of commitment to my goal? Or is it because I doubt my goal: That I can help Deepa find words? That I can facilitate a space for a better future for the blind kids? I know that for the other work I do – in Sealdagh dispensary, teaching yoga in the slums, even being a clown - this is all replaceable. I am replaceable.

The exception is with Deepa. For some reason, I feel that I know that when I am not fighting for those kids there is no one else who is. The arrogance of my assumptions has called me to closely examine my self; do I really believe that no-one else will look out for the blind kids? That no-one else will try to ensure their education, their exposure to life skills? That no-one else will give them a taste of independence. Of course I don't know the answer, but I definitely feel the pressure of the responsibility, and if I am honest, the power which comes with that – that I have the opportunity to make a difference in a city full of chaos and a world which drives me as insane as it does exhalted. Perhaps this is what fuels my connection to Deepa – the desperateness of trying to share compassion here and a potential outlet with possible success. But then when I write 'connection' the answer I am searching for it given. It is a feeling deep inside, of a common energy of subtle comprehension that I and this little seven year old have.

So yes, leaving, even just for a short time, brings confusing chaos into my mind. Motives, motivations, aims? Continuous decisions for life changing paths.

I am leaving from Howrah station at ten o'clock this evening. I will arrive at Pune in two days time. I will travel across half of the country and be very far away from everything which has given meaning to the present. I look forward to returning. I look forward to leaving.