Happiness

I search the running faces. I can't see the pineapple. I search the shaved heads. I look for the blue and white dress. There are several – but they are not her. I realise that I am disappointed. My heart sinks more than it already has today. She was the small happiness which I was selfishly searching. I begin to wonder where she is? Perhaps she just hasn't seen me? Perhaps she has forgotten me – maybe ten day is too long for a six year old trained to forget? Perhaps she has left New Light? But surely she would not have gone home unless her mother has returned from hospital? And what of the abuse she has already had to suffer once? The running feet whizz around me. I feel sad which makes me feel bad. I smile at the smiling faces staring up at me. Vying for my attention but I know the smiles I return are only shallow. Hands search for mine and small fingers play with my watch. Pressing the buttons but too weakly for any mechanical reaction. Their eyes remain focused. Loud little voices rise to me ears and I try to return the energy which they so freely give to me. Slowly I pull the fingers away and turn my back. The cries follow the disappointment I leave behind.

I lean on the balcony and search the running heads on the path below. I search for a small squeaky pineapple. But there I can't find one. Defeated I sit. A tray appears in front of me. It presents four small thick glasses of steaming chai; thick brown liquid wobbling beneath a shade of condensation. The woman who has made the chai and who is holding the tray does not use any words to communicate with me but only extends her arm. I reply by carefully extracting a glass, fingers wrapped painfully around the rim. She turns around and limps away, back into New Light. In my silence I sip the sweetened darkened milk. I stare onto the streets below. Children playing, women waiting, men joking. I feel guilty that two little girls have captured my attention – one without sight – one with too much history – both abandoned. I feel fortunate to have what I consider to be a real privilege to work with them. I know they give me far more happiness than the giggles which I can give them. But with one not here I am left missing. As I think these thoughts a “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” travels through the classroom! A Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat at full speed! The smile accompanying our Crush is as large as the collision. I look down at the little shaved head clinging to my legs and bend down to greet the two eyes beneath it. We smile so much at each other. No words are exchanged as both know the miscomprehension which they will bring but the connection between our eyes and the happiness they communicate is much more effective than any “Hello! I have missed you!” I tickle her and she collapses even more as her arms wrap around my neck demanding to be lifted up and hugged. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuug. So tightly. I kola walk her over to the swivel chair and point to her to remove the blue beaded bracelet around my wrist. Her small fingers quickly twist open the clasp and its rings fall away from my wrist. I wrap it around hers. One. Two. Three. Four. Five times it goes. Her smile is so wide that it travels around the room. She is torn between shouting for everyone to look and hiding it under our hands – just in case presents from Aunty are not allowed. She is playing it safe and as one of the tutors walks by the clever Little Miss Squeaky Pineapple folds forwards and presses her shaved head against my barbie hair. The tutor walks past and I tighten the clasp. I bring my right wrist next her hers. Snap! We match. Little and Large. Rings of blue beads around both of our wrists. She is smiling so much and it is a pleasure to see.

The bracelet had been for Gita as she always loves to feel the beads on my wrist and hear their invisible sounds as she rolls them against my skin. But as always she refused to hold her arms still for long enough for me to wrap it around her wrist and picked it up and threw it as far as she had the patience to. I feel happiness as unlike Gita, Little Miss Squeaky Pineapple shows me her smile. She lifts her head back and points it towards me and then sends her happiness and energy through her shining eyes. A bell rings and I begin the challenge of depositing her back in the class room. She has clearly become much more confident with the other children. She lets me place her down on the floor and she finds the little lady who had been so determined to work my watch. She shoves her newly decorated wrist in front of her and then grabs mine and pulls it towards her. Another pair of eyes search up to me. I don't have another to give I try to explain by showing my empty hands. The another pair of eyes doesn't understand. She wants one. I squeeze off the pink skinny bangle and pop it over her hand. It is so big for the another pair of eyes that it could reach all the way up to her shoulder. She is appeased but not satisfied. Little Miss Squeaky Pineapple sends a pair of hands up towards me. Arms outreached. Smile beaming. I mimic her as my hands reach up to the ceiling fan. She laughs and jumps. I bend and lift. We smile.